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2008-11-03 오후 7:40:06 |
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안녕하세요? 매번 너무 어려운 질문을 주시는군요. 제가 직접 답을 드리는 것보다는, 다른 곳에서 알게 된 좋은 글을 퍼 드리겠습니다. 죄송하게도 영문이지만, 매우 통찰력 있는 글이라고 생각됩니다. 참고해 보시기 바랍니다.
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EMOTIONAL INDEPENDENCE
Autonomy pertains to a human being"s capacity for independent survival, independent thinking, independent judgement; it pertains to the extent to which the source of self-aproval lies within ratherr than without- that is, within self rather than social environment. Autonomy consists of living by one"s own mind.
Take a moment to imagine what it would be like to value your own feelings, needs and aspirations and feel good about just being yourself, without the pressure to prove your worth. Picture yourself going through your day expressing your own convictions and opinions, making your own decisions, and sharing your genuine feelings without fear or the need for approval. What would it be like to trust your perceptions and follow the inner voice of your intuition, even though to do so may go against established viewpoints?
Imagine yourself with the ability to observe objectively your feelings, motives, and behaviors without negative judgement. See yourself with the ability to admit your mistakes without fear or share. Imagine taking full responsibility for your negative feelings or your difficult life predicaments and not putting the blame on others.
Imagine what it would be like to allow others to have their own feelings and perspectives wihtout you feeling threatened, criticized or the need to fix them. Picture yourself no longer needing to control. manipulate or "repair" others to meete your own needs and desires. See yourself accepting others as they are without feeling responsible for their happiness. Imagine feeling free to express your love and caring to those close to you without the expectation of getting something back in return. Imagine feeling free to seek help from others without shame and to expresss your needs directly.
The key to inner freedom is seeing that your present-day emotional reactions and catering behaviors are unconscious recreations of unresolved childhood hurts and grievances with parents andd siblings that are transferred onto your present relationships. Current feelings are correlated with past childhood experiences, helping you to recognize your attachment to childhood feelings of emotional deprivation, criticism, rejection, and passive submission to the control of others.
Some may find challenging the concept that we unconsciously hold onto childhoood feelings of being deprived, rejected and controlled. That notion is especially unpleasant to those who have been convinced they are innocent victims of someone else"s negligence of malice. We want to believe that other people are responsible for our misery. But inner peace and emotional independence will elude us unless we move beyond holding parents, spouses and society accountable for our problems and take responsibility for our own emotional coplicity in our distress.
The attainment of emotional independence depends on a person"s ability to overcome his attachment to being an innoncent victim and learn to take responsibility for his everyday emotional reactions, his negative feelings, thoughts and behaviors.
Individual"s own perceptions and interpretations of his childhood experiences, as well as environmental influences and parental upbringing, contribute to the formation of these self-defeating catering patterns. The problem, in part, is that the child"s inherent self-centered perspective has never been completely extinguished but permeates the emotional ife of the adult, sabotaging his relationships and success.
The essence of emotional inedependence comes in our struggle to disccover the truth of ourselves, not in getting others to change. Old wounds and hurts have to be healed from within, rather than healed by someone else"s love, public validation, or through the magic of some guru or healer.
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>제가 곰곰히 생각해 보았는데 스무살 이후부터 8여년 동안 남자친구 없이 지냈던 적이 1년이 채 되지 않고
>늘 주위 사람들로부터 "넌 왜 그렇게 눈이 낮냐, 그 사람은 너와 어울리지 않는다, 왜 그런 대접을 받으면서 그 사람을 만나는 거냐..."등의 충고를 들어왔어요.
>그런데 그것이 나의 의존성으로 인한 것이라는 것을 확실히 알았어요.
>나는 너무나 "굶주린"나머지 애정을 주고 받을 수 있는 상대만 나타났다 하면 그 사람이 적절치 않다 하더라도 만났던 것 같아요.
>그것이 "사랑"이 아니라 결핍을 채우려는 하나의 "욕구"에 지나지 않는다는 것을 깨닫긴 했는데...
>이런 고질병을 어떻게 고쳐나가야 할지 잘 감이 잡히지 않네요...
>사실, 저는 아직도 그사람과 깨끗한 정리는 못하였는데 쉽지가 않아요. 주위에 아무도 없이 나의 내적인 공허감과 불안을 이겨낼 용기가 잘 나지 않네요.
>공부를 시작하면서 그런 것이 약간 감소되긴 했지만
>이 관계를 그만둘 정도로 결정적이진 않아요.
>앞으로 살면서 이 문제는 극복되어야만 한다고 생각하는데 이것-의존성-을 극복할 수 있는 구체적이고 실질적인 방법이 있을까요??
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